Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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