I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
