Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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