I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He did a backflip because drugs
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