I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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