My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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