Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
