It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
