I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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