she looked like the before picture.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm bleeding and have questions
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
