I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
