his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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