I got chris browned last night
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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