literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
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I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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