I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
