just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
