What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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