I could make wine with my vomit
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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