My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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