1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
