I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
