She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
