just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
