Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
