BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
