the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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