Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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