I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
