Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
