I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
