You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
