my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
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So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
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And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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