Define "chronic" masturbator.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
