I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
