New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
