saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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