so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
