i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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