I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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