Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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