If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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