The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
