so that wasnt chicken after all
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Come on in and take your pants off
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