Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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