Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
