I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
