why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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