I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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