woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
