Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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