Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How's work?
Spinning.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
