You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
