Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
