i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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