Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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