Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
