so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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