My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
