She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
