Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
