Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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