there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
